canhasaname | Recent Entries

You know... sometimes I wonder if I'm not as bi as I thought. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a full on lesbian. Girls are fantastic and wonderful and beautiful and I very much enjoy most things about them.

Then I get smiles like the one I just got from Jimmy-- and I know that that fierce attraction to men is still there. The things I would do to get that man inside me.

That look made my entire fucking day. I just wish I didn't look like SHIT for it. Oh well. I'll make myself look good tomorrow and see if I can get it again.

Look at this. A week later I'm making another entry. I'll be damned.

So far I'm a week into the new year and it hasn't proved much different. I'm still struggling with the same issues, external and internal. But I'm hoping to find something productive or distracting to help me deal with them respectively.

I also decided that I really should stop looking at my horoscope. I used to check just for shits and giggles but when the horoscope becomes parallel with something that I'm actually dealing with, it scares me a little. Mostly because my mind starts analyzing all the possible outcomes and 90% of the time, I don't like what I get to.

Maria also came in here today asking me what I got for Three King's Day. I told her that we had to use that money for my sister's tuition and she just looked at me and told me that I'm a very good and kind person and that I have good things coming my way. I certainly hope so but it's just kind of nice to be reminded of that because I haven't been feeling it lately. And I don't know if it's because I haven't been being as kind as I used to be or if it's because it hasn't been acknowledged in a while but it kind of made my chest tug.

I feel like in the past few months I've just been numb to a lot of things because I had been feeling so much before. I wanted it to stop so I just tried turning it off but you can't simply just DO that. To have feelings and emotions is to be human. And human is all I can be.

It's nice to be reminded of it every once in a while.

I suppose the first day of the new year is an appropriate time to make a first post. May as well get at least one in now before I forget I have an account here and never do it again.

But I suppose that's part of what I'm doing here. I'm trying NOT to forget. If there's anything I've learned in this past year, it's that I go through a lot more emotions than I realize. I've had quite a few ups and downs, taken a few leaps and a couple risks, been hurt, healed and hurt again. But I like to think that I've come out better for it. A little more independent, financially or otherwise, a little bit stronger and self assured. Generally happy overall but there's always room for improvement. I feel like keeping up with myself and recording all those bumps and bruises along the way might help with more self reflection in the next year and it might help me better myself a little more. Transcend into something different.

In the next year I'm hoping to do better. To get my life a little more in order. Work on some stability and a little more independence. Work on my emotions and try to reevaluate what it is I really want for myself. I have a very bad habit of bottling shit up and I feel like in this past year, doing that has been eating away at me little by little. So I'm hoping that keeping up with myself here will help me get back what I've lost.

I guess I'll see.

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Michelle

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February 2012

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